- People always expect you to grieve in a certain way- I am a closed off person when it comes to my day to day struggles. When I lost my father on October 1st, 2013 people expected me to act a certain way. I did not fulfill those expectations. I instead dealt with my grief at the time my boyfriend, who is now my fiance. I closed myself off from most people. I could not deal with others who had loved my father. A lot of people doubted my feelings for my father due to this.
- It never will get better- I lost my Dad. Nothing in this world can make that OK. No matter how much time passes, I feel this gaping hole inside of me that only my Dad can fill. I miss every part of who he was- the good and the ugly.
- Life must move on- Many people question my decision to get engaged soon after my father's passing. I feel like I am honoring his memory the best I can by living my life. My Dad would approve of this, even if no one else will. I am marrying my best friend. The one person who has seen the real me and still loves me endlessly.
- It really won't get much better- whether it is one year or ten- my Dad is gone. There is no chance of a make up, no chance of making him proud of me. It really is over. No matter how much that realization hurts.
- You will want to become a better person- I think of the life my Father lived, good parts and bad. I want to become more like his good and work more on his bad. By that I mean that any of the bad qualities he had I want to ensure I do not have.
- Weddings now suck- I am so happy and honored to be marrying my best friend. But my father will not be there to witness it. No matter how nice I make my wedding a huge part is now missing.
- You will get angry!- Remember all the wrongs the now deceased person committed against you? Now you do..... and you try to mesh that with the happier memories. Sadly though you honestly remember the person as they were, not through rose-tinted glasses everyone else seems to have on.
- You will feel as though your family hates you-Due to the fact that you handle grief differently than most people you will feel sub-par. You will think/feel as though the entire family hates you due to you lack of outward grief. I miss my father, it damn nears kills me how bad my grief is. But due to the fact that I keep such emotions in check, to family it seems like I don't care.
- Your family will piss you off- No matter how close you are, nor the relation to the deceased, everyone will bother you. No matter what they do or don't do, you will feel as though it is wrong.
- At the end of the day you will forever wish and hope this is just an awful nightmare- No matter what happens, you find yourself hoping and wishing that the passing of such an important family member never happened. No matter how much time passes you will go to sleep hoping that this is just a terrible nightmare.
- There is a life after suffering such a painful loss- I have kids, a fiance, and house hunting to do. I have a full and busy life. My sadness and grief doesn't always work out due to my kids needing me..
My little Lillybug is an amazing child. She is the first to hug and rub a back if she someone is sad. She is a feisty little girl with the cutest attitude. She is stubborn and fierce and I love every aspect of her personality! But to some she is broken, flawed, difficult, and other nasty words that have no place being connected to my baby!
My daughter is still mostly non verbal. In the past few weeks she has been trying to say more and more but only does so when SHE feels up to it. She seems to be shy and unsure of herself when it comes to speaking. So I never force her and stop others from trying to force her. She is getting there and deserves to feel secure in trying to speak. Who is anyone to tell her when, how, and why she should start speaking!!!!
Lillybug is also emotionally sensitive. Whenever she gets corrected or redirected she cries and needs a hug. She isn't trying to avoid the situation. She just wants to know that she is loved even though she made a mistake. After the hug she goes on to something else, not what she was just corrected for. I don't give a DAMN what anyone says this is not babying her!!!! This is letting her now that no matter what happens Mom loves her and is here for her. Also when my daughter goes into a fit (she's almost two.. it happens) I REFUSE to yell at her for it!!!!! Instead I hold her. When it calms down a bit I look her in the eyes and calmly say shhhhhh while rubbing her back. It should be stated her fits only last about 5 minutes and I think the compassion I give her during is a big reason why they are so short. She is not being babied, spoiled, or giving into. She is being loved no matter what emotions she has.
This is basically one large rant. If you look at my babies and see anything less then wonderful little human beings that are trying to figure out themselves, this world, and everything in-between then maybe you don't need to be around my kids at all. Every child is learning. So how about we look at ALL of them as they are... new to this world and trying to learn oh so much so amazingly fast. NO CHILD IS BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Attachment parenting has ruined my kids and my life. I can't go anywhere without getting crazy looks, my kids aren't normal, I'm never alone and my baby doesn't even cry when I leave. God! What did I get myself into?
Chances are you will never hear these words spoken in seriousness. The life we live is different and odd in the eyes of others and our kids don't react to things in ways that a child brought up by conventional parenting. But if you stop and look a little closer at what you see as odd maybe you could pick up something that might make your family run a tad smoother.
Whenever my children and I go out in public I know going into it that I will get at least three crazy looks. Sometimes it's for how I am with my daughter. She is only 18 months so when she gets overly excited or angry and starts hitting me I never yell at her. I gently take her hands and rub them nice and then softly rub my check with her hands while saying "nice hands". When I do get short fused (which I strive not to) and yell at her I always tell her I am sorry with in seconds. Then I give her a snuggles. If she won't stop reaching for things I find a few things that she can't break and bring them to her so she can feel them and explore them. You would not believe how many mothers felt it necessary to let me know if it was their child she would have gotten a spanking and "no way in hell" would they ever apologize for raising their voice to their kids. I also get this a lot with J.D. J.D. is hyperactive, while ADHD to be exact. So there are sometimes he get willed up and runs across a store. Instead of screaming at him I take his hands, have him look me in the eye, breath, and remind him that he needs to focus on staying by his mom. I get so many dirty looks whenever other people see this. No matter the fact that it works. Why is it that when I use peaceful techniques that work and teach my kids instead of punishing them then I am a horrible mother?
You would be amazed how many surprise looks and even one nasty comment I got because my daughter doesn't cry when I drop her off at the gym daycare for one hour, three times a week. Or the fact that she loves it when I (and only me lol) grabs her by her middle and swing her like a clock upside down. Or the fact that I can go into any room in my house and Lillybug doesn't freak out. They think this means my daughter isn't very attached to me and has no fear. They couldn't be more wrong. I have spent the first 18 months of my daughter's life being there for her and quickly meeting any need she had. I breastfed her, co-slept, snuggled, and treated her with respect. My daughter is ok with me dropping her off because she knows she can trust e. She knows I'll be back. And she knows if she gets sad mommy will be there right away. I always have, the moment she gets upset the gym daycare is under strict instructions to call me right away. So she can leave my side without a whimper because she knows she can trust me and I'm still there for her. Same reason why I am the only one she allows to swing her upside down. Her grandfather tried it and she freaked. So did her aunt with the same results. But she signs for me to do it and laughs in delight when I do. I think this is because I am attached and she knows beyond a doubt that I am her protector.
As for the never going anywhere alone- when I really need a mommy night once every 4 or 5 months or so I get it. Besides that I wouldn't want to be anywhere that my babies are not.
The Message was as follows:
Dear Parents Magazine,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be renewing my subscription. No
amount of "last issues" and notices will change my mind. You have showed the
American family that you do not truly support moms or babies. The first issue at
hand is your extensive advertisement of baby formula. These advertisements are
usually discouraging to breastfeeding, misleading, dangerous, or out right
lying. If you can not ensure honest advertising on you pages then that is a
major issue. Second of all is your insistence to rely on what the AAP claims is
most beneficial to babies. The organization is a profit driven collective.
Instead you should be looking to WHO as your one and only reference. Third of
all you promote dangerous practices. From routine infant circumcision, CIO, and
other separation techniques. This is not healthy for moms or babies. I no longer
want a magazine in my home in which promotes these things.
Feeding tube awareness week is February 10th-16th. This issue has touched my heart due to a friend of mine. Her beautiful baby girl has to use a feeding tube for now (has since shortly after birth). I'm open so I'm not going to lie- when I first saw the picture of her baby girl with the tube in the first thing I could think is "oh that's so sad! I wonder how long she'll need it?" Now that I have been exposed (made aware....) to it for the past few months I don't even notice it anymore. The picture is from the following link. I don't claim any sort of ownership. Check it out, educate yourselves, and be there for other mommas instead of just staring.
So my kids and I went to the laundry mat yesterday, not normally something to share with the world. A hour and half before bedtime. I should have known I was setting us up for a disaster. It was brutal! By the end Lillybug was crying
and upset at the world. JD was grounded, crying, angry, and very disrespectful. I felt like I was one whine or disrespectful comment away from losing my mind. So we came home and I was very angry and both kids were upset. I was very short, almost to the point of being nasty, and just got them in bed a quick as they could change and go potty. I'm sure they both went to bed feeling as though their mom didn't like them (something I never
want my kids to feel). So fast forward to today. This morning was tense but
uneventful. We walked JD to the bus stop and saw him off pleasant enough but I still a bit emotionally detached. After he was gone I spent the majority of my day busy with work. Well around lunch time I had a hour to myself. For some reason I couldn't get last night out of my mind. My reflections started with "I can't believe how selfish and disrespectful JD is!" After some further thought it hit me that my son is usually anything but selfish (unless he sees coffee creamer in the fridge... then it's on and he will drink the whole dang bottle- all by itself lol). Also he has a tad bit of a mouth on him normally that I just chalk up to his budding independence but it's
normally nothing that severe. So why in heavens name did he act like that?
The mental replay was humbling..... For the very start of
our "outing" I was grumpy. I hate laundry day. I mean HAAAAAATE it. My behavior
and attitude reflected that fact. Then I ended up overwhelmed by the amount of
laundry (I've been slacking for a few weeks....), Lillybug getting upset, other
kids running around screaming and play video games really loud, and trying to
pay enough attention to the clothes so I don't put something on the wrong
setting or mix darks and colors and etc. So I, ME, and MYSELF got nasty. I
started barking orders, cutting him off when he was trying to talk to me, and
just being dismissive and rude. Is it really a wonder he ended up giving me
exactly what I was giving him? How would I react if someone was disrespecting me
the way I was disrespecting him last night? I think I would be a helluva lot
worse to be honest. Was my son right in the way he acted? No. But upon further
thought was he justified? Yes.
Now came the tricky part. I had already grounded him for
two days due to his poor choices. I'm not big on grounding. It's kinda my "hail
Mary" pass. As I sat here and thought it over I felt guilty. But do I risk
losing the "this was serious and not ok" factor with my son and let him off the
hook or do I ignore the fact that I was mostly responsible for last nights
dramas? This internal indecision lasted until I saw my baby get off the bus and
look at me really sheepish. We came home and got settled in. I sat down right
next to him and hugged him. He looked at me like "what Mom". I calmly told him
while snuggling "JD we both had a very rough day yesterday at the laundry mat.
I'm sorry I was rude to you. How about we both try harder next time to make good
choices? You're not grounded anymore. let's just make better choices next time."
My son was so happy! He started crying and said "Thanks Mom, that really makes
me feel better. I didn't know what I did yesterday to make you so angry and I
kinda acted crazy. I'm sorry I talked mean to you Mom."
I know some will read this and think that I weak and
caved. I hope most of you will understand that I realized that I was the one who
was responsible for all the stress last night. My kids need to respect me, this
is true. But how can I expect them to respect me as their mother, role
model, adult, and human being if I can't even admit when I was the one at fault
and also the one who was wrong? Admitting your mistakes doesn't make you weak,
not even with your kids. Instead it teaches them that we all make mistakes but
we ALL need to own up to our mistakes.
Every time we talk to friends and family about our children or read
something on a mommy page on Facebook we only hear the positive and are only expected to feel positive towards our kids. Is this expectation actually good for mothers?
Turn on any movie that shows a woman giving birth. What do
you see? A mom elated at her child the moment the baby is placed in her arms and nothing but warm gushy moments following. They may show a frazzled mom who is tired but they never actually show her having any negative thoughts. Is this reality? I personally don't feel it is. While we love our kids sometimes we have some really negative thoughts. And due to societies expectations of us we immediately feel guilty and monstrous. How can this be good for any mother?
(Side note- this blog is not justifying using negative, hurtful words to your
children. Emotions are one thing but there is never an excuse to be verbally
abusive to your child.)
When my son was born I suffered some pretty sever birth
trauma (read A Unhappy Birth for his birth story). When he was first placed in
my arms all I could think is "get it away from me". For the first 24 hours I ha
no interest in holding or attempting to nurse him. I just wanted to be left
alone. To this day people throw this in my face as a example of how horrible of a mother I am. Through talking to other mothers I have come to find that I am not alone in this initial feelings towards my newborn child.
Now lets fast forward six years to the birth of my daughter. Initially I was fine. I was tired, worn out, and sad but I was ok with engaging with her right after birth and then some. BUT due to the emotional turmoil that happened while I was pregnant and when she was first born combined with the fact that she made me so severely ill that I had to have a emergency C-section with her instead of the natural birth I planned I wasn't sure if it was all worth it. Then she had severe colic and did nothing but scream for 12 weeks. My Lillybug was 10 weeks old before I could finally look at her and say
it was all worth it. If I was to share this fact with people in my life they would look at me like I was a monster. It wasn't that I didn't love her, it was just that is was so hard and I was overwhelmed.
Now to share a friends experience. She went 42 weeks with a beautiful baby girl and had the most wonderful at home water birth. Then the crap hit the fan. Her daughter ended up with some severe health problems and was in NICU for a extended period of time. The whole event has seemed to left her emotionally raw. If she was to have a negative thought like "what I was thinking having another one so soon" or "why can't my daughter just be normal and healthy" (not saying she has vocalized these feelings just speaking hypothetically) does that make her a horrible human being? Well according
to society's expectations it does. Why? Why are we never expected to have a moment of unpleasant thought when it becomes really hard to be a mother? We all have these feelings so why do we mommy shame each other?
This isn't just for babies. My son is now seven and has
extreme ADHD and can be hard to handle sometimes. Do you honestly feel it is
evil if I ever think "OMFG please shut the hell up and sit down!"? I don't
feel it is at all. Though I am not proud of those feelings I know that I am not
horrible for having them. I am human, not a robot. I would never speak those
words to my child but yes, I sometimes think them. And some days when I am so
overwhelmed that I think I am going to burst do you honestly think I don't
daydream about being out in the middle of the woods in a cabin all by myself and
peaceful? Of course I do! BUT if that opportunity every came by do you think I
would abandon my kids? Of course not! They are my everything and I love them
I think we need to stop expecting each other to only have
warm and fuzzy thoughts when it comes to our kids. They are kids. They will
stress us out, tick us off, hurt our feelings, and test our very last limit. I
think that in being a AP parent it is a bit more difficult because we are so
careful with what we say. I would never cause my kids the emotional damage that
mean and harsh words would bring. But my mind and my emotions are my safe place.
And I should be able to share my feelings with other moms without fear of being
judged because if she was being honest with herself and me she would have to
admit to thinking similar thoughts. So maybe instead of judging we should
just talk openly to one another. Then and only then can people really help us.
If you can only tell your friends and family half of the story then you will
never get the advice that could help you to figure out the negative feelings.
Anything that is left hidden suddenly becomes the most glaring thing in your
minds eye. So stop judging and start talking. Lets heal each other and not shame
My daughter is a beautiful, calm, sweet, loving 17 month
old. She is truly a wonderful daughter to have. She is the first person to hug a
sorry if she made someone cry (unprompted) and also the little girl who will act
like a goof just to get everyone giggling. She is so smart. She figured out how
to turn on the television and game counsel after seeing her brother do it once.
She was walking at 10 months and 1 day old. She was my little nursling and
nursed until she was 16 months old when a medication given to me by my doctor
forced us to end our breastfeeding relationship. She is healthy but on the
petite side. She is honestly such a gift.
But she doesn't speak. Not a word. She has spoken
four times, so she has the skills. She just doesn't choose to talk. So due to
her doctor freaking out about this (and to be honest me also) she went to a
developmental pediatrician. I was told that she is just a high needs non-vocal
healthy little girl. BUT she still doesn't talk. I've gone through many
different emotions about this. For the longest time I was ok with it. I figured
her time would come when she was ready. Then I started to get worried. Is there
something wrong with her that the doctors are missing that could be causing
this? Am I somehow failing her somehow and responsible for her not talking? Then
I go back the "she's fine" and start the whole chain over.
To make the fact that she doesn't want to talk yet more
diffcult is the fact that she hates diapers and is basically trying to
potty train herself. The fact that she doesn't speak makes this current
transition more difficult for her. So to assist her in communicating her
bathroom needs with me I taught her the sign for potty (she already knows lots
of other signs). Problem is the sign for potty is a lot like the sign for all
done (which she uses when she is finished with a meal or snack) except for a
closed vs. open hand. So it's not working. I am at a lost on how to further
assist her. I don't want to push her but at the same time I don't want to hold
her back from changes that she is letting me know that she is ready for.
I've had so many people tell me that I should stop allowing her to sign to
me and then she would be forced to talk. While I can see the logic with this
argument I just can't do that to my daughter. I can not take away the one
way that she feels comfortable communicating with the world just so she would
MAYBE communicate the way others think she should. In my eyes her wide knowledge
of ASL (American Sign Language) is a tool that she possesses, and very well I
might add. Should I take away a useful, positive tool of hers because she isn't
doing what others expect of her? How could taking away the only way she
communicates be a good thing? Wouldn't that be locking all this developing
personality away? I feel it would be locking her into herself which
would cause her to have more emotional breakdowns. So should I do this to
meet societies view of normal? No. When she is ready she will talk,
until then her ability to put two to three signs together to form sentences is
enough to assure me that she has a pretty dang good grasp on her language
So when we see a jar of baby food
(home made or store bought) we automatically think of it as only something to
use with a baby. Why? I know it is marketed that way but if we really stop to
think about, what is baby food? In the most simplistic terms baby food is pureed
fruits and veggies. These liquefied fruits and veggies can pack a nutritional
punch to MANY foods. Also they can create a delicious flavor and texture within
the foods. I know I may have lost many of you by now but bear with me and see
how easy and yummy it really can be.
Birth is suppose to be a time of great joy and happiness. But what about when
it's not? When after all is said and done you just feel in your very core that
what just happened was wrong? As a result you find yourself disconnected from
your baby, sad, and just generally out of it. Most doctors would promptly
diagnosis you with postpartum depression. Well for some women it's not. It's
birth trauma. Birth trauma basically means that the birth of a child went so
horribly bad, was so mishandled, very fear inducing, or physically traumatic.
Unfortunately birth trauma is not widely known. Due to this many women are
misdiagnosed, given antidepressant, and seldom seek professional help. So why do
I care? Well first of all I will advocate for all women. Secondly, I went
through it twice. I want share the worse of the two so that maybe
other women out there can finally put a name with emotions they have felt. Sadly
my story is not that horrible compared to some I have heard but it left me
with wounds that took a long time to heal.
I was 19 when I got pregnant with my son. It was a
scary and chaotic time in my life. I was a by the book kind of mom. My son was
born 17 days after I turned 20. I saw a OB through out my pregnancy. A week
before my due date she told me my son was getting to large to deliver. She told
me it would best to induce two days before my due date. She reasoned he need to
come out and she was going on vacation the day after she planned on inducing me.
So I blindly listen to the OB even though my instincts were screaming that this
was wrong, but hey she was the doctor, what did I know compared to her? I
arrived at the hospitable at 7am on January 19th 2006. I asked them to try to
sweep my membranes and if that didn't work then try to break my water before
giving me any drugs (I was a by the book mom, but the hippy mom I would later
become was starting to show her head lol). I was told that was not the way they
did and I WOULD be giving drugs and my water broke later on. I had no
choice and when I tried to argue I was told I didn't know what I was talking
about and was actually called a difficult patient. So they continued on as they
planned. The contraction were very painful within 20 minutes of being giving the
drugs. There were no "waves" like I read about, instead I had a constant pain. I
gave up and asked for the epidural. I was flat out ignored for SIX hours.
The whole time the contractions were a non-stop occurrences. Finally they gave
me the epidural, only they didn't check to see how far along I had
progressed. So the epidural went in and I relaxed. My family and boyfriend left
to get some food leaving me in the care of a aunt. The aunt decided to leave
shortly after. I was all alone. Next thing I knew there were alarms going off,
nurses and doctors running in, and I got flipped all over the place without a
word being spoken to me. I finally overheard one nurse tell another
"the babies heart rate is not going up". So now I was scared, alone, and
had no clue what was wrong with my baby. Then they checked me. Oops I was fully
dilated and they failed to check me before hand. So a light was spun
into place, a oxygen mask strapped to my face, and a doctor telling me to push.
I was petrified. I kept asking for my boyfriend. So I pushed for 3 hours. I
ended up being so exhausted, overwhelmed, and just sad. I had to get a
episiotomy and stitches. I finally saw my amazing little man but I had no
interest in him. I didn't hold him besides the first few seconds until he was
just about a day old. I felt out of it and did not enjoy visitors. The whole
thing just felt so wrong and sad to me. I was diagnosed with postpartum. It took
years to finally figure out way my feeling didn't match up. My son was 5
and I still felt so sad and horrified by his birth. Then I found out about
birth trauma and it all clicked into place. I was able to FINALLY heal now that
I could realize what had happened to me was wrong, I was mistreated, and that it
was ok to feel that way. I love my son with a passion and am so happy I
have him in my life. I would go through it all over again to have him, but
there was no reason for me to have gone through that.