Birth is suppose to be a time of great joy and happiness. But what about when
it's not? When after all is said and done you just feel in your very core that
what just happened was wrong? As a result you find yourself disconnected from
your baby, sad, and just generally out of it. Most doctors would promptly
diagnosis you with postpartum depression. Well for some women it's not. It's
birth trauma. Birth trauma basically means that the birth of a child went so
horribly bad, was so mishandled, very fear inducing, or physically traumatic.
Unfortunately birth trauma is not widely known. Due to this many women are
misdiagnosed, given antidepressant, and seldom seek professional help. So why do
I care? Well first of all I will advocate for all women. Secondly, I went
through it twice. I want share the worse of the two so that maybe
other women out there can finally put a name with emotions they have felt. Sadly
my story is not that horrible compared to some I have heard but it left me
with wounds that took a long time to heal.
I was 19 when I got pregnant with my son. It was a
scary and chaotic time in my life. I was a by the book kind of mom. My son was
born 17 days after I turned 20. I saw a OB through out my pregnancy. A week
before my due date she told me my son was getting to large to deliver. She told
me it would best to induce two days before my due date. She reasoned he need to
come out and she was going on vacation the day after she planned on inducing me.
So I blindly listen to the OB even though my instincts were screaming that this
was wrong, but hey she was the doctor, what did I know compared to her? I
arrived at the hospitable at 7am on January 19th 2006. I asked them to try to
sweep my membranes and if that didn't work then try to break my water before
giving me any drugs (I was a by the book mom, but the hippy mom I would later
become was starting to show her head lol). I was told that was not the way they
did and I WOULD be giving drugs and my water broke later on. I had no
choice and when I tried to argue I was told I didn't know what I was talking
about and was actually called a difficult patient. So they continued on as they
planned. The contraction were very painful within 20 minutes of being giving the
drugs. There were no "waves" like I read about, instead I had a constant pain. I
gave up and asked for the epidural. I was flat out ignored for SIX hours.
The whole time the contractions were a non-stop occurrences. Finally they gave
me the epidural, only they didn't check to see how far along I had
progressed. So the epidural went in and I relaxed. My family and boyfriend left
to get some food leaving me in the care of a aunt. The aunt decided to leave
shortly after. I was all alone. Next thing I knew there were alarms going off,
nurses and doctors running in, and I got flipped all over the place without a
word being spoken to me. I finally overheard one nurse tell another
"the babies heart rate is not going up". So now I was scared, alone, and
had no clue what was wrong with my baby. Then they checked me. Oops I was fully
dilated and they failed to check me before hand. So a light was spun
into place, a oxygen mask strapped to my face, and a doctor telling me to push.
I was petrified. I kept asking for my boyfriend. So I pushed for 3 hours. I
ended up being so exhausted, overwhelmed, and just sad. I had to get a
episiotomy and stitches. I finally saw my amazing little man but I had no
interest in him. I didn't hold him besides the first few seconds until he was
just about a day old. I felt out of it and did not enjoy visitors. The whole
thing just felt so wrong and sad to me. I was diagnosed with postpartum. It took
years to finally figure out way my feeling didn't match up. My son was 5
and I still felt so sad and horrified by his birth. Then I found out about
birth trauma and it all clicked into place. I was able to FINALLY heal now that
I could realize what had happened to me was wrong, I was mistreated, and that it
was ok to feel that way. I love my son with a passion and am so happy I
have him in my life. I would go through it all over again to have him, but
there was no reason for me to have gone through that.
it's not? When after all is said and done you just feel in your very core that
what just happened was wrong? As a result you find yourself disconnected from
your baby, sad, and just generally out of it. Most doctors would promptly
diagnosis you with postpartum depression. Well for some women it's not. It's
birth trauma. Birth trauma basically means that the birth of a child went so
horribly bad, was so mishandled, very fear inducing, or physically traumatic.
Unfortunately birth trauma is not widely known. Due to this many women are
misdiagnosed, given antidepressant, and seldom seek professional help. So why do
I care? Well first of all I will advocate for all women. Secondly, I went
through it twice. I want share the worse of the two so that maybe
other women out there can finally put a name with emotions they have felt. Sadly
my story is not that horrible compared to some I have heard but it left me
with wounds that took a long time to heal.
I was 19 when I got pregnant with my son. It was a
scary and chaotic time in my life. I was a by the book kind of mom. My son was
born 17 days after I turned 20. I saw a OB through out my pregnancy. A week
before my due date she told me my son was getting to large to deliver. She told
me it would best to induce two days before my due date. She reasoned he need to
come out and she was going on vacation the day after she planned on inducing me.
So I blindly listen to the OB even though my instincts were screaming that this
was wrong, but hey she was the doctor, what did I know compared to her? I
arrived at the hospitable at 7am on January 19th 2006. I asked them to try to
sweep my membranes and if that didn't work then try to break my water before
giving me any drugs (I was a by the book mom, but the hippy mom I would later
become was starting to show her head lol). I was told that was not the way they
did and I WOULD be giving drugs and my water broke later on. I had no
choice and when I tried to argue I was told I didn't know what I was talking
about and was actually called a difficult patient. So they continued on as they
planned. The contraction were very painful within 20 minutes of being giving the
drugs. There were no "waves" like I read about, instead I had a constant pain. I
gave up and asked for the epidural. I was flat out ignored for SIX hours.
The whole time the contractions were a non-stop occurrences. Finally they gave
me the epidural, only they didn't check to see how far along I had
progressed. So the epidural went in and I relaxed. My family and boyfriend left
to get some food leaving me in the care of a aunt. The aunt decided to leave
shortly after. I was all alone. Next thing I knew there were alarms going off,
nurses and doctors running in, and I got flipped all over the place without a
word being spoken to me. I finally overheard one nurse tell another
"the babies heart rate is not going up". So now I was scared, alone, and
had no clue what was wrong with my baby. Then they checked me. Oops I was fully
dilated and they failed to check me before hand. So a light was spun
into place, a oxygen mask strapped to my face, and a doctor telling me to push.
I was petrified. I kept asking for my boyfriend. So I pushed for 3 hours. I
ended up being so exhausted, overwhelmed, and just sad. I had to get a
episiotomy and stitches. I finally saw my amazing little man but I had no
interest in him. I didn't hold him besides the first few seconds until he was
just about a day old. I felt out of it and did not enjoy visitors. The whole
thing just felt so wrong and sad to me. I was diagnosed with postpartum. It took
years to finally figure out way my feeling didn't match up. My son was 5
and I still felt so sad and horrified by his birth. Then I found out about
birth trauma and it all clicked into place. I was able to FINALLY heal now that
I could realize what had happened to me was wrong, I was mistreated, and that it
was ok to feel that way. I love my son with a passion and am so happy I
have him in my life. I would go through it all over again to have him, but
there was no reason for me to have gone through that.